Don’t Fake It, Just Make It:

Why authenticity is a better route to becoming who you want to be

By Tiffany Shelton

– Tiffany is a holistic psychotherapist providing counseling in Woodland Hills (West Valley), as psychological assistant supervised by Jenn Samstag, PsyD, PSY26050. She specializes in women’s empowerment related to self-esteem, self-confidence, and relationship issues. Her writing, public speaking, and teaching endeavors are dedicated to helping others elevate consciousness and well-being. Find out more about Tiffany here.

We have all heard it before, “Fake it, ‘til you make it!” But I have always wondered, is that really true? Professionally and personally I subscribe to the notion that it’s really hard to fool yourself. It’s similar to when we set our watches ahead to try to trick ourselves into being earlier. The problem is that internally we know the real time and our behavior follows suit with what we know to be true (the shown time minus the ten minutes you added!).

So, it begs the question: Does it work to fake it ‘til make it? Is it helpful to push yourself into an unauthentic space in the hopes that one day it will suddenly be your truth? And what about all that talk about positive affirmations to help you become the person you want to be? My short answer is No. Instead I suggest working on your truth and what inhibits you from believing in yourself. I’ll explain the proof below:

I’m a big proponent of “The Secret”, a philosophy about how to get the life you want by asking (whether asking yourself, the Universe, your higher power, etc), believing, and cultivating gratitude. What they don’t tell you is that the hardest part of this 3-step formula is the BELIEF step, which can be broken down into several other steps within itself. Your own ability to believe in yourself or a life that you hope for and deserve, hinges very much on your ability to believe it is something you deserve and can achieve. Furthermore the level of your belief is NOT impacted at all by superficial attempts to say or even live the opposite of your beliefs without truly believing it first. Internally you know the truth, and simply faking other wise will not help you get where you want to be. In fact it may even harm your intentions for growth.

To give you an example, recently I had the pleasure of hearing a presentation explaining psychological research speaking to exactly this. A study done at the University of Waterloo found that daily repeating self affirmations aimed at increasing self esteem, like “I am loveable”, only helped those that already had high self esteem increase their self esteem. In fact, participants starting with low self-esteem saw a decrease in self-esteem as a result of these same affirmations. The key point here is that if we want to change something about our selves and our lives, we have to internally believe it is possible and true before any change will occur!

So how can you shift your internal thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs authentically to ACTUALLY Make it? Here are some tips:

• Work on your internal belief system about yourself, AKA process your stuff, before you focus on changing it. Find a way to find what’s stopping you from truly internally aligning with what you want. A great way to confront this belief system is going to therapy (Find out the best way to find a great therapist here), and truly confronting what is holding you back internally from living your best life.
• Rather than saying inauthentic words or living an inauthentic lifestyle (i.e. living outside your means) find ways to prove your negative beliefs wrong slowly and incrementally. For example, instead of saying “I am loveable” if you don’t believe it, resolve to find one example in your life when you felt loved. See the difference? The latter does not create an internal conflict.
• Study people that have done what you want. So instead of trying to camouflage yourself as their peer, embrace your vulnerability and allow yourself to learn from others that have made a similar journey. This provides you with counter-stereotypical images, known to combat toxic internalizations, and proves your toxic beliefs wrong without the internal conflict.

– Tiffany is a holistic psychotherapist providing counseling in Woodland Hills (West Valley), as psychological assistant supervised by Jenn Samstag, PsyD, PSY26050. She specializes in women’s empowerment related to self-esteem, self-confidence, and relationship issues. Her writing, public speaking, and teaching endeavors are dedicated to helping others elevate consciousness and well-being. Find out more about Tiffany here.