Over the years of dating many people have given me relationship advice: some good, some bad, and some just down right ugly. Here are my 3 favorite relationship advice gems I’ve gotten from people or through studying psychology that have worked for me.

If you don’t know your own worth, don’t expect anyone else to.

So much of the pain I’ve experienced in relationships past was related to my immature development of my own self-worth. Looking outside yourself for this validation can cause you to stay in toxic relationships or at the very least circumvent you from being loved in the best way possible. Our actions in relationships, from what we accept to what we demand, reflect our own perception of our self-worth. We are in a constant evolving journey of self love and acceptance, and there is no perfect level of self worth. However if you find yourself with toxic patterns in relationships from the way you treat others to the way you allow others to treat you, I encourage you to work on loving yourself before you ask another to do the same.

Your partner is not your savior. 

Following the self-love theme, all too often people look to their partners to solve their emotional issues. It is not your partner’s job to regulate you every time you are sad, angry, or afraid. And holding your partner responsible for your happiness puts strain on the relationship that can actually cause distance between the two of you if your partner begins to resent this role. Furthermore beyond resentment, making your partner your savior fosters codependency not love. Yes, our partners should be there to support us when we need it but we should hold a substantial amount of self-regulation to be able to support ourselves as well.

Above all be loving

If we look back at our worst relationships it usually involves a fair amount of disrespect and hurtful arguing. When we fight with our partner, childhood wounds are triggered and your loving partner can easily turn into your enemy. In the midst of the fight, proving our point can sometimes feel like fighting for our existence. The best advice I’ve heard when it comes to disagreements with your partner is: above all be loving. Try to keep in mind even at times of conflict that peace and love is your ultimate goal and if you can’t get your point across in a loving and peaceful way then maybe you should take a step back from the situation until you can do so.

Relationships take work. If you and your partner need help with some of these things, couples therapy is an excellent way to improve communication, separate your own baggage from your relationship, and help heal transgressions to move forward in your relationship. Whatever you do keep these gems in mind, and happy loving LOVERS!

Let me know your favorite relationship advice!

• Therapist Tiffany Shelton, P.A., M.A.
  • In Woodland Hills, California